THE HUMOUROUS GUIDE TO VALENCIAN RESTAURANTS

Every entrepreneur knows that a lot of important business gets done in restaurants (or at least that's what they tell the Accounts Department). These aren't necessarily the best restaurants in Valencia, but each one has something special, something memorable; at least as far as we can remember. Each one was considered worthy of a place in this collection because it was something not completely different, but a little bit out of the ordinary. Either that or someone else was paying.

When visiting a strange city it's so easy to fall into the tourist traps and get ripped off by somebody who saw you coming. We don't promise you won't get ripped off in any of these places either, but at least you'll leave with a sense of having experienced the real Valencia, even if it was in a Chinese restaurant with a Rumanian waitress.

Darbar: Things Leaping Off the Walls at You

Walking into this fairly new Indian restaurant in Valencia's Avenida del Puerto, just near the port is quite an experience. The décor is impressive to say the least but I'd need a degree in architecture to describe the crenulated arches and baroqueish, Moorish pillars that seem to leap off the walls at you from all directions; or maybe I'd had one too many pints of Guinness beforehand.

In great British style, and ignoring the comments of French dickhead; sorry, president Jacques Chirac that the only thing English restaurants have contributed to haute cuisine is mad cows, this was a truly typical English night out; too many pints of Guinness followed by an Indian meal. Heaven.

Indian food has never really taken off in Valencia, unlike Chinese restaurants which are more numerous than suburban cats and just as tasty.

Those that have survived in Valencia have had to do battle with Valencian culinary conservatism (the Chinese are only successful because you can still eat out with a large family for a reasonable price; if the family is extremely large you can even sit surreptitiously at their table and eat for free without them even noticing).

Gold is the dominant colour in ‘Darbar', an Indian word meaning ‘Assembly Hall' or ‘Court', an Indian village's version of the Anglo Saxon communal hall where the tribe ate, slept and procreated together.

We however opted for the 29 euro menu, ignoring the 11.50 and 19 euro versions. Most of the menu was in English and Spanish although some, curiously, was only in English. Our waiter Aamir Anwar spoke excellent English and treated us like kings, which is appropriate as the walls were covered with portraits of various Indian monarchs.

The menu included a cocktail which was orange and contained approximately 40% of my hangover. The rim of the glass was coated with a mysterious red paste which Aamir helpfully informed us was an "Indian red paste".

The restaurant is owned by Rashid Ahmed who has run similar restaurants in Paris and whose family own restaurants in Beirut and Dubai.

We had a seemingly endless stream of papadoums and nan breads to mop up some enticing sauces featuring cucumber, a hot lime that vacuumed the taste buds into cowering submission and one with banana and tamarind. This was followed by an interesting selection of grilled meats and fish, each with its own distinct spicy flavour.

Next came various curry dishes which proved that there are more shades of brown than in all your philosophy Horatio Nelson!

The sweets were excellent, my favourite being an iced pistachio cake.

The brandy was served in a heated glass as is becoming and the mint tea was a welcome caress for a sandpapered palate. The free liquor at the end was downed with manly abandon.

Darbar has 70 dishes to choose from including 6 for vegetarians.

The chairs are spectacularly large, ornate and heavy and very difficult to fall off....unless you work at it.

It is situated in Avenida del Puerto, 294, or was; telephone 96 3311583.

LA MASIA DEL VINO: The Church of Good eating

La Masia Del Vino makes quite a visual impression when you slip inside from the pedestrian street where it is situated just behind Valencia's MUVIM Museum. It has the appearance of an old reformed theatre consisting of a single long narrow room with an elevated area at the end where superior diners can gaze down over the balustrade upon the plebeian masses and at the waiters panting and wheezing up the stairs.

It also has an upstairs room which looks like a kind of gallery from which you can look down even further upon the rest of humanity and at the waiters who have to ascend roped together in teams.

The stained glass windows in the ceiling also give a sacred or classical effect, as do the oil paintings on the wall, which are changed on a monthly basis, not to mention the ceramics, the wooden beams and panelling and the red stone floors (even though I just did).

There are tasting menus for 2, 3 or 4 people at reasonable prices, and the more of you there are the more sustenance in proportion goes onto the menu. The basis of these menus is ham and cheese, ox tail or squid cooked in garlic, oil and parsley, stuffed peppers, hors d'oeuvres and steaks.

All the food is of high quality with an eye for detail and presentation and the quality of the service is excellent; brandy is served in warmed glasses as it should be.

Right opposite the restaurant is a very interesting historical building; the 15^th century Silk Art College. In the 18^th century there were 3,000 silk workshops in Valencia, employing half the population until in 1865 a disease killed off all the silkworms. Even today many Valencian children keep silkworms and feed them (or forget to) with the leaves of the mulberry trees which can still be found in many parts of the city.

The restaurant also has a bar area should you just want to pop in for a snack and a glass of their excellent Valencian wine, which is bottled especially for them.

The restaurant toilets are also worthy of mention, not because you will need to use them after eating here nor because you will make new and interesting friends if you hang around in there long enough, but because of the unusual, colourful, ceramic washbasins, which encourage even the most unhygienic of us to wash our hands, if only for the sense of sophistication and luxury thus imbued.

Should sophistication not be part of your nature, you could always order the meal of the day for 8.50 euros, including all the wine you can drink.

Where did everybody go?

La Masia (farmhouse) del Vino (divine sustenance) is located in Calle Hospital 16 (Telephone 96-3921566). It closes on Sundays (or maybe they hold church services!)

LA TABERNA DEL MARQUES: An Eye For Detail

Despite being just a student throwing a stone away from both Valencia University and Valencia Polytechnic, you'll not find many students in the Taverna del Marques. It's a neighbourhood restaurant used by fairly well-off locals or not so well-off locals looking for a treat.

The décor is an interesting amalgam of various styles with wood panelling, bamboo, bull-fighting paraphernalia, still life oil paintings, stag antlers, ceramics and a Hindu goddess all competing for you attention. And attention is what you get here. Professional, friendly treatment without fawning; they know when to leave you alone and when to offer some help.

Although there was a 10 Euro meal of the day, I opted for the menu, where there were a number of interesting possibilities, including steak with cheddar cheese, lamb stuffed with wild mushrooms and truffles and a whole series of cheese and ham variations as well as salads, including one with traditional Valencian tomatoes which, after you've tried them, will forever spoil the tasteless, supermarket variety for you.

I chose the smoked ‘lacón' ham in oil and paprika and a cold salmon, shrimp and hake dish served as a kind of quiche without the eggs.

There was an extensive wine list starting at about 7 Euros and at first I was dismayed when my white Penedés was served in an ice bucket (which usually means it's not cold), however it turned out to be just one of several special details that make you feel at home in this restaurant, where everybody seemed to know everybody else, judging from all the cross-table smooching taking place.

Another little extra was the pair of crayfish I was given to whet my appetite and the bread basket with not only bread but a number of interesting biscuit variations. I was also offered a sweet Moscatel wine on the house to see me off.

In a world where similarity and repetition are sadly becoming the norm, the small eccentricities of the Taverna del Marques were a refreshing change; the salt and pepper pots and oil and vinegar bottles were highly original, in fact the whole restaurant seems to consist of knick knacks brought back from 40 different holidays in varied places.

To finish, as is the fate of all meals, they change your cutlery with each course and play opera unobtrusively in the background. Ok so it's not a big deal, but little things like that can make your day when you have nothing but a large, loud, hairy wife to go home to!

The whole meal with coffee came to just under 30 Euros. La Taberna del Marques is situated in the San Jose neighbourhood at C/ Doctor Garcia Donato 8. Telephone 96-3294958

 LA VITA È BELLA: Bring on the Minstrels

            The first thing that strikes you on entering this Italian restaurant just off Valencia's main square is the decor. It's pretty hard to keep your eyes on the menu (or even the wine list) when there is so much to look at all around you. To try and describe it would take up too much space, so let me just mention: wood panelling, ceiling fans, statues, stained glass lamps, decorated mirrors and a minstrel gallery.

            Yes, you heard right a minstrel gallery; apparently it used to be a haberdashery or something and a lot of the décor seems to have been passed on.

            With such a visual feast, the food needn't be so great and yet it is. Simple but very tasty genuine Italian dishes using quality fresh raw materials.

            The restaurant is owned by Antonio from Turin and the tables are served by the delightful Valentina who can entrance you in Italian, Spanish, English or a delightful combination of all three.

            We had a couple of interesting salads with goats' cheese and various interesting green leaves including mint and something called "rúcola", which according to my dictionary is ‘arugula' or ‘rocket' in English, followed by pasta. If you've never tried genuinely fresh pasta then it's very hard going back to the supermarket stuff afterwards. The various pastas here are served up with excellent sauces and very well presented.

            There were various fish, meat and pizza variations, but by that time we had had enough. The wine list includes both Spanish and Italian wines, but by the second bottle you would give up everything for just one more smile from the delightful Valentina. Alternatively you can just pay the bill and leave with your dignity intact; expect to pay about 20 Euros and expect to go back frequently, if only to glare with manic possessiveness at any man who dares to speak to Valentina; she's mine I tell you!

La Vita È Bella: Calle En Llop 4. Telephone: 96-3510737.

LE BISTROT DE FRANÇOIS : A Certain Je Ne sais Quoi

It began as a nightmare scenario; there I was in a French restaurant, accompanied by a Frenchman who was ordering the meal in French from a French (and English, we later found out) speaking waitress wearing a straw hat and apron just like they do in France (in all probability).

Furthermore the cook was French, his name was Monsieur Hastings, and the only other Englishman at the table was uselessly dribbling wine down his chin, supposedly just having come from the dentist, although, knowing him, he could have come from any one of a wide range of unsavoury establishments.

After a few muttered comments about Agincourt and Crecy, we got down to the serious business of the 12 Euro menu, while Edith Piaf assured us in the background that she had no regrets, despite her birthplace (poor deranged old dear!)

There were four starters; two kinds of quiche, endives in Roquefort sauce with walnuts and a vegetable soup, all of which we shared around and all of which were very tasty and had obviously been prepared with great care. Watching our dental victim eat his soup with a straw was however a bit off-putting, but we persuaded the cosmopolitan crowd of various nationalities, including English, that he was a distant second cousin from a small mountain village where inbreeding is the norm rather than the exception and that seemed to do the trick.

For the second course there was salmon in white butter sauce, which our French companion insisted is very typical, and a ragout from Provenze. Again both were splendid, and splendidly accompanied by a Muscadet wine from Nantes.

Unfortunately, as it turned out that both our French friend and the cook/owner (the aforesaid Mr. François-Xavier Hastings) were also from Nantes, we had to listen to a long and winding conversation in the tongue of Napoleon and Doctor Guillotine as we ate. (Don't worry, apparently the cook doesn't come out and bother everyone!)

            The sweets were also interesting; pears in hot chocolate, apple pie and mousse. Again all three were delicious.

            The restaurant is small, intimate (if you are not accompanied by drooling Matthew, which tends to empty most places) and tastefully decorated with all kinds of French pictures and paraphernalia, including a map of the Paris metro, which could come in very handy I suppose. The toilet on the other hand is decorated with posters of French football teams, although the British contribution was, incongruously, Liverpool rather than Arsenal.

            When the owner switched from French to excellent English it turned out that his descendants were from Ireland, his great grandfather taught French at York University and his present kitchen assistant, who was off that day (maybe at the dentist's), is from London and is called Clive.

So, all in all an interesting place to eat as long as you leave Matthew at home and don't provoke the cook by coming from Nantes. They also important their own wines directly from France.

Le Bistrot de François is in C/ En Llop 2 (next door to another, much more expensive French restaurant curiously enough), is just behind the Town Hall. Telephone:96 3514802. It closes on Sundays.

  ORIENT EXPRESS: Shaking Lassie's Tail

Orient Express is an example of what they tell me is called Asian Fusion, a name that reminds me of the opening scene of Apocalypse Now but is probable in fact something else, as most things are. Except when they're not, that is. Glad we sorted that out.

The menu at Orient Express is also the place mat, and is an interesting visual mixture of images, words and dishes. There are 10 starters, 6 soups, 5 noodle dishes, 4 rice dishes, 6 desserts and after all that hard reading you finally get to the drinks section.

The wine list is short but unusually varied; the eleven wines listed come from seven different countries.

The starters were fairly small but very tasty, opening the salivatory glands (I think I might have invented that) for the more than adequate main courses, which in our case was green tropical curry with coconut milk and papaya, red Thai curry with coconut milk and chicken and a noodle dish with wild mushrooms, onion, chicken and of course shitake. The latter may not sound very appetising but it's better to just eat it along with the rest rather than admit that you don't know what it is.

If you don't fancy a dessert you can try the Lassies. Don't worry; our four-footed friends are perfectly safe; Lassies are milk shakes. I suppose it's something to do with all the tail wagging!

The décor is light, airy and minimalist, demonstrating once again my lack of vocabulary, and with a feeling of cleanliness and modernity. The stainless steel kitchen is inside the eating area which is handy if you fancy flinging something at the cook or enjoy sudden napalm-like flare ups during your meal.

Cigarette lighters are therefore unnecessary, or would be were it not for the fact that this is a non-smoking restaurant, which made one of our party suffer to the eternal pleasure of the rest of us.

Orient Express is run by Evelio, a native of Burgos who speaks very good English and is either very tall or the chairs were a lot lower than I'd thought.

The menu dares you to use chopsticks, which my well-travelled companions did with great aplomb, and I did not with a great fork.

I thoroughly recommend this restaurant, and if they ever let me back in I promise not to drool over the amazing number of attractive, unattached women that frequent the place.

Orient Xpress is in Calle Roteros 12 in the medieval Carmen area.

Telephone 96 3065166

PIPOL: Salad Days

It's always nice to be treated like a gentleman, even if you aren't one. Vicente, our waiter in Pipol is a gentleman's gentleman and, were I inclined to hire a butler, he'd be among my first choices.

I spent a long time looking at the 35 Euro menu, examining my conscience and my bank book with equal desperation before opting for the 10.75 Euro one.

The interesting thing about this menu is the salad buffet option (located in the upstairs dining area) as a first choice and boasting 20 different salads. It turned out there were only ten, but the wide variety and excellent quality would have left me with no room or need of the other ten, so I put my doggy bag away and concentrated on eating.

The salads contained every vegetable under the sun, and one or two that grow underground.

While we ate we contemplated the variety of dead animal heads on the walls, something which has always given me a keen appetite. The rest of the restaurant has a nautical quality with sloping wood panelling and false windows giving the illusion of light, and a trestle on the ceiling which could have inspired some interesting primal behaviour if we hadn't been behaving ourselves, dining as we were dining with a well-known Valencian television personality, who shall remain nameless unless he ups the bribe.

The second course consisted of a choice of meats. I chose the roast ham in Port sauce which was pleasant but quite unnecessary after the veg binge.

Vicente served the wine as one should, encouraging us to let it absorb oxygen for five minutes before we started drinking and although he was absolutely right, I have to admit I have never known 5 minutes to pass so slowly nor in such stark terror.

While we waited we appreciated the orange walls and lace curtains and a curiously painted mirror containing two strange, tasteless creatures, totally inappropriate to the general style, as were the 5 humming fridges in the upstairs part, but I suppose if you want cold you have to have fridges.

I also liked the individual, ceramic lights which hung over each table. Some people may not get excited by this kind of thing but then probably their lives are not as insufferably dull as mine nor their horizons so near as to be invisible beneath my rampant waistline.

Vicente shuffled over to tell us about his life, which is the kind of thing I find acceptable from staff when the brandy is flowing. Vicente has a steady, generous pouring hand which stood up to the rigours of the task.

Vicente spoke to us in pidgin Spanish, presumably presuming we would understand him better that way, even though one of us was (and still is) Spanish.

He said that he was a cook himself and each time his businesses failed (which seemed to happen often) he would come to this restaurant to work.

He also pointed out that living so near the airport, our plane would pass over his house; I don't know, perhaps he confused me with Richard Branson.

Before leaving, being British, I inspected the toilets just in case, finding that gender identification consisted of rather interesting brass torsos. The male one actually sported a penis, which I thought was clarificatory even if rather risqué, and a splendid note on which to leave, leaving a handsome sheaf of notes for Vicente's well earned retirement fund.

The Pipol is in Calle Convento San Francisco 3, just around the corner from the Town Hall.

EL HOTEL INGLÉS: A Touch of Class

This is a place where I'd been wanting to eat for some time although its elegance had been a bit forbidding and the prices, although not especially high, had put it into the category of waiting for a ‘special occasion'. Naturally there is no more special occasion than when somebody else is footing the bill (or even handling it) and so finally, in the company of two suited executives, I was allowed in without an eyebrow being raised.

One of the attractions of this restaurant is that from its windows you can gaze upon the Baroque splendour of Valencia's ceramic museum and delude yourself that a couple of centuries have slid away through the mists of time.

Should this be the case the waiter will bring you back to the present by asking if you'd like a beer before selecting; always a very sensible question in my book.

The daily menu consists of 5 starters and 5 main courses plus a chef's special.

We plumped for white beans with spicy sausage and potatoes, pheasant stuffed with foie gras and a fresh cheese, anchovy and dried cod salad.

All three were splendid as was the Lagunilla wine that washed it down, as was the second bottle that followed it.

While we waited for the first course we were able to sample the three different kinds of bread and the sliced olives that were scattered liberally around the table and soak up the international atmosphere of this popular, central hotel. (I do believe I heard languages being spoken).

The décor is modernist and not unpleasant although it is definitely overshadowed by the sight through the window of the museum with its marble cherubim and seraphim scaling the walls like previous diners trying to find the way home.

For the second course we again tried to have three different dishes and then poached surreptitiously from each other's plates. One of my colleagues had the hake cooked with crayfish and Pernod, the other wild mushrooms with lobster while I settled for "Pularda" with brandy pâté; mainly because I love to order things when I don't know what they are, although I was assured that a ‘pularda' was a kind of duck with ambition to be a chicken and indeed it was fowl, but very nice.

The whole approach of this hotel/restaurant is one of stylish elegance both in the tasteful crockery, cutlery and serviettes as well as the service, which is efficient and friendly with just the right amount of fawning subservience to make you feel good. They also laugh at your jokes, however bad, which is worth paying a bit extra for.

On a more vulgar note, the waitress's uniform is much too tight for her which is very useful when there are dull moments during the conversation.

Among the superb sounds that life has to offer is the sound of somebody else's plastic clicking onto the little plate that holds the bill; also very pleasant is the first gulp of fresh air as you step onto the street with a bulging waistline and an untouched wallet.

Life can be good (as long as you don't try to bicycle home afterwards).

The Hotel Inglés is in Calle Marqués de Dos Aguas 6, telephone 96 3516426

SEU-XEREA: East Enders for Yuppies

Apart from the Spanish Inquisition, the last thing I was expecting when I slipped in here for a bit of self-pampering was a lad from Bethnal Green to be wandering between tables ensuring that everybody was happy; but the fact is, and was, that Stephen Anderson has been the owner of this classy joint for nigh on 11 years now, and his British descent is one of Valencia's best kept secrets (apart from the thousands of people who know).

The food itself could hardly be called British; not a chip or dumpling in sight, and it might be his interesting past (a Burmese mother and some summers spent in Italy) that have created Stephen's original approach to food; or it might be the two years spent working and learning in the restaurant of top British chef, Alistair Little in London's Soho, that has resulted in the success of this attractive, central restaurant, where you can eat quality, imaginative food without your bank manager throwing a tantrum.

There's a tasting menu for groups at 45€, which might put some pockets off, or turn them inside out, but the star attraction is the mid-day, mid-week set menu at 20€ (plus 7% VAT, drinks apart), which changes every week and which offers an interesting variety of sensations for the demanding palate.

The week I was there we were offered an aperitif of crunchy crayfish in ‘ceps' sauce (I had to look it up too, but it's a kind of wild mushroom), followed by thinly sliced cod Carpaccio  with ‘escalibada', a Catalonia purée made of vegetables, and then Italian Polenta with mini squids.

The menu stretched my linguistic ability, but each dish, with its immaculate cutlery and crockery was a joy to eat. The accompanying wine was excellent too, and I must confess I didn't study the list as obsessively as I usually do, having spotted straight off a fruity Basque wine of the ‘Txakoli' variety, which you don't often see in many places outside of the Basque Country.

For the main course we had three choices; salmon with black tagliatelle and sweet and sour sauce, pork sirloin stuffed with nuts and pumpkin sauce, or an octopus risotto.

Finally the dessert was a cheese mousse with poppy seeds and cassis ice cream.

The service was excellent and the waitresses, in their tight black uniforms, would have turned a younger, more foolish man's head.

The restaurant glows a pleasant reddish colour and is divided into three areas. It's a good idea to book, especially at a weekend, and be prepared to share the dining room with sleazy politicians looking for unsuspecting taxpayers to foot the bill, as the Valencian Parliament is just around the corner. In fact, Stephen assured us that the Socialist candidate for Mayor of Valencia, Carmen Alborch, had been in the night before.

God, why can't I eat like that every day?

Seu-Xerea is in C/ Conde de Almodóvar 4. Telephone 96 3924000

BASILICO: Put a Stick in it

Basilico doesn't mean ‘basil' (herb or Fawlty); the herb is "albahaca". Nevertheless they use a lot of it in this small, friendly restaurant in the increasingly trendy Russafa district of Valencia.

The basil they use is fresh and gives a powerful flavour, at least to the two dishes I tried. I was expecting to find some in the dessert too but fortunately somebody sat on the chef and so that didn't happen.

They must have a lot of English speaking customers as the menu is also in English, and the sweet of the day was in fact only in English; bread and butter pudding. Yummy.

There are only 6 starters and 6 main courses, or a set menu with starter and main at 12.50€ or with a sweet at 15€.

The dishes are an international mixture including Italian antipasti, Asian salad, chicken Tandoori, steamed Won Ton, Malay lamb, Green Thai curry and Singapore Satay.

The décor is simple and predominantly grey, although there is a quite startling sputnik-like chandelier and, after a few glasses of wine, the bar starts to look like the prow of a ship on its way out the door.

You have to wait a bit for food delivery, even for the set menu; but I always find that encouraging as it often means the food is being freshly cooked and the waiter was very helpful and informative, giving the impression that these young people are really trying hard to please and make a go of it.

They also do cocktails, including Bloody Mary, Buck's Fizz and something called a ‘smoothie'. There's also a dessert called ‘Bubblegum', but I felt it best to give it a miss.

On Sundays they do a Brunch from 11 o'clock at 8€, which I'm told is something that Americans do when they can't be bothered to get up for a civilised breakfast. More power to their thighs.

The wine list is short but varied and the Malay chicken, when it arrived was stylishly presented with various fruits, spices and yogurt and with a large stick in it, which presumably was the coriander (at least I hope it was).

Basilica is in C/ Cadiz 42. Telephone 96 3168369.

MONTALBÁN: A Wrestler's Thighs

Calle Caballeros is a very trendy street near the Plaza de La Virgen; it is full of bars and restaurants whose customers are a mixture of local office workers, politicians, artists and the occasional tourist. As such I normally avoid it like the plague. Nevertheless, and when all is said and done, from time to time (or now and then if you prefer) a restaurant comes up with a dish that sticks in the memory (others stick in the throat but, as I'm under instructions only to write about nice places, those will have to wait until they come up with a substantial bribe).

The dish that stuck with me was the ‘Santiago Salad', which consisted of cooked potato in paprika, red onion and salmon, a mixture that, while un-dramatic, left a pleasant aftertaste for days to come.

Montalbán is an unpretentious eatery; quite small even though it manages to exist on three levels (much to the chagrin of the waiter who must have the thighs of a wrestler).

There are two imaginative menus at 23€ and 10,60€ (the accountant must have worked that one out! The more expensive one had fresh anchovies, a plate of grilled vegetables (including my favourite grilled wild asparagus) and lamb chops (the ones where the lambs are still weaning, [oh horror or unbearable guilt!])

The cheaper menu offered 5 starters and 5 main courses, including Santiago's salad, and we finished it off with hake and clams.

The sweets were also interesting: pears in wine, melon in champagne and baked apple, in neither champagne nor wine, so you can guess which two we chose!

The cheap menu included a drink, although we skidded off course and ordered a nice Ribeiro at 10€.

Apart from the salad, what stood out was all the brickwork and the reds and yellows on the walls; I imagine the exposed bricks are there to help the waiter scale the walls when it gets crowded, or to be driven up them when having to climb all those stairs just to bring a clean knife or (in our case) another bottle of Ribeiro if you don't mind.

Montalbán is in Calle Caballeros 10 (Telephone 96 3924495)

Café Colonial : WOMEN IN BLACK

Joseph Conrad complained about the Heart of Darkness in Africa and Coppola turned the idea into a film in Apocalypse Now. Perhaps they had dined in Café Colonial because darkness is the theme, at least as far as the décor and the waitresses uniforms are concerned. The walls and pillars are black, counter-balanced only by a touch of dark, whore-house red (or at least so I am led to imagine).

Three attractive oriental waitresses greet you in this intimate, modernist restaurant in a flurry of languages which include neither English nor (barely) Spanish, and this is one of the attractions of the restaurant; beautiful, exotic women who you don't have to pretend to listen to.

My brief attempt at verbal communication consisted of the following:

"Do you speak English?"

"Fish."

A delicious, triangular spring roll is the second thing to greet you as you sit down and ponder the various set menus. At lunchtime there are simpler, cheaper menus but in the evening only 25 or 30 euro versions. We opted for the 25 euro option which was more thanplentiful.

This consisted of spring rolls containing unexpected gusts of mint and an interesting, fruity sauce, followed by a salad with onion, cherry tomato, walnuts, thinly sliced beef, designer lettuce and cucumbers cut so cleverly that you have to eat them like spaghetti., coiled around the fork.

Next came a Dim Sun, which although it sounds like a description of a British summer is in fact steamed puddings in a basket with four different ingredients.

Then came another basket, this time filled with brown rice stuffed with shrimps and vegetables, accompanied by monkfish (which most visitors to Spain soon learn is called "rape" in Spanish) in an oyster sauce with peppers and onions.

By now we were so bloated that we almost didn't order the second bottle of wine; but when duty calls it shouts.

There was a very original wine list and we opted for one called "Lagrima Negra" (black tear), mainly because the name sounded so good and suited the walls.

The trio of black-clad waitresses seemed to alternate, striving manfully to ensure that our glasses were constantly refilled when they threatened emptiness and generally putting up with the most degenerate, immature, colonial behaviour.

Ox meat sausages stuffed with wild asparagus were next, by which time my libido was sinking to ankle level and so when one of the girls flew across the table and executed a perfect kung fu kick to my out of order dining partner's forehead, I was suitably subdued and abandoned all idea of doing a runner.

I settled instead for a sweet; yet another chocolate choked brownie cake with two kinds of ice cream, with cream and a sesame biscuit.

Café Colonial and its women in black can be found at C/ Conde Altea 48 in the heavily restauranted zone between Avenues Gran Via Marques de Turia and Antiq Regne de Valencia.

Telephone96 3162898 (if a woman answers, hang up).

TAVERNA TRASTEVERE: All Roads Lead from Rome

It would be very easy to walk past Taberna Trastevere without noticing; it is not a restaurant that steps onto the street and grabs you. However, walking past would be a big mistake. Shouting "all Scotsmen are polyglots!" on a Saturday night in Glasgow would also be a big mistake, but that's another matter.

This is not a spacious restaurant, this is more like a small bar with only 5 tables and all the preparation done behind the bar by Igor. Yes that's right, Igor; and making fun of his name would also be a big mistake.

Igor is short, stocky and very Italian; nevertheless he is equally comfortable in English when he does what (I imagine) he loves best: talk about food.

Every dish he serves has a little story that comes alive when Igor's eyes gaze out across the Tuscan hills as he tells them.

We took the advice of Mad Dog Matt (always a mistake) of allowing Igor to serve us as he pleased and the result was staggering.

So was the bill, but that was because nobody stopped me showing off my knowledge of Italian wines and insisting that the Chianti had a black cock on the bottle; a black cock that accounted for a full third of the bill.

Had we stuck to unpretentiousness however we would have merely enjoyed  the exquisite salad of fresh water bison's cheese, cherry tomatoes and rocket, followed by a horsemeat pate with capers; almost immediately eclipsed by dried and fried aubergines and peppers, which had me eating out of the attractive Italian waitresses' apron. But that too is another story, or might have been had she not thrust me to the floor as I so sorely deserved.

That should have been enough, but at about this time the third and Chianti bottle was smugly ordered and the Ariccia ham arrived.

According to Igor, the shortest road the Romans ever made went to Ariccia, which was famous for its wines and hams, and therefore worthy of having a road to itself. The ham is apparently smoked a day and a night in a brick oven. The result is delicious.

We were not done yet however; next came a platter of cheeses, including parmesan cut from the large block that I had noticed earlier on the bar, and various others accompanied by some exquisite conserves; described by my erudite Boltonian dinner companion as "green jelly stuff, like".

Finally there was a plate of chocolates that belonged to the ‘melt in your mouth' category and that only someone truly self-indulgent would finish, which we did.

Igor goes to the market every day looking for the best and frankly I'm amazed that he stays in his tiny restaurant near Valencia's Calle Mar. But stay he does, and even the scholarly Boltonian booked a table for the following day when visitors were coming from the dark side.

Excellent Italian wines are available and you can order reasonably priced ones if you don't feel like making a complete pratt of yourself.

Taverna Trastevere is in C/ Trinquete de Caballeros 3. Telephone 609956429

TAPINERÍA: The Untameable Shrew

We literally stumbled upon this restaurant by chance in the old part of Valencia, where it's situated in a small street with no other places open and doesn't exactly advertise itself well. But the 18 euro evening menu looked imaginative and so we went inside into a blaze of rhubarb red and pistachio green. In fact we spent the first 5 minutes searching for the right adjectives for those colours, which are a bit overwhelming at first; even the ceiling is rhubarb.

It's a strange building, very small but on two levels, with enough nooks and crannies and low ceilings to keep you on your toes. Similarly the toilets require an advanced level of Tai Chi proficiency and bring a whole new meaning to the concept of ‘getting your leg over'.

The silver platters on which each course rests give a nice elegant touch and the menu with 7 starters and 6 main dishes (plus 2 at an extra price) make interesting reading and challenging translation.

Among others there was ‘warm pasta with red pesto', ‘smoked sushi', ‘lettuce salad with goat's cheese and honey', and ‘sirloin of ox with mango chutney'.

As we were three we were able to try 6 different dishes among us and the elaboration, quality and presentation (I'm not sure if that isn't really just the same as ‘elaboration') were excellent and clearly a labour of love (an expression that always has me thinking of fat, screaming women, but never mind that).

The aubergine and pepper cannelloni were very tasty as was the avocado and pepper tart. The portions were small, as is typical in these nouveau cuisine places, but being so rich, the idea is not to shovel them back with a pint of stout, but to savour them and pretend you are being pampered.

The wine list was excellent; I know this because I didn't know any of them and I always buy cheap rubbish.

The waitress, Miriam, started the evening quite sulkily, perhaps because of all the stirs she had to climb, but later became sultry and ended up fairly frisky, actually ripping my notebook from my hands, demanding to know what I was scribbling and then ripping out a page in order to take an order at one tense point in our relationship. She claimed to speak English although did not feel inclined to demonstrate.

It was an evening for remembering; the single ceiling fan reminded one of my companions of Apocalypse Now, while the décor reminded the other of Van Gogh for some reason nobody else could fathom (this was after the second bottle), and the plethora (love that word) of stone Buddhas reminded me to pay the bill.

Tapinería is in Calle Tapinería 16. Phone number 96 3915440. I asked for Miriam's, liking as I do women with a bit of fight in them, but she wouldn't let me have it.

YI: Tora, Tora Tora!

Yi is a great place to take your wife; the name does after all does mean ‘Fidelity' if the staff there are to be believed.

The first thing you have to decide is where to sit; this is more important than it sounds as the decision will greatly influence your evening's pleasure.

If you want some fun, sit at the large square table in front of you as you enter. There, in the middle are two large griddles where the entertainment takes place.

The entertainment, or cook if you prefer, looks at first like a Kamikaze who's lost his airplane. If you can imagine drummer Keith Moon of the pop group ‘Who' using a pair of spatulas instead of drumsticks, then you'll have some idea of what's in store.

On the downside, sitting at this table may result in some splashing, noise and smoke, but then that's another good reason to take the wife.

There are a variety of special menus to choose from and a variety of prices, but it's worth choosing one that includes the lobster, who can be seen as you enter in a large aquarium trying to escape, and who are brought to your table for approval (like the wine) and are very much (if temporarily) alive, (unlike the wine).

Of course, if you're really going to go native you should try the Sake, as we did. There is nothing that quite gets as close to a kneecapping as 5 or 6 jugs of this tasteless, odourless spirit of the ancestors.

As regards the lobster, I wasn't sure if I was supposed to stroke it or shake its.....whatever it is they have instead of hands, but out of consideration for our vegetarian wives, I did ask that it be executed in the kitchen; chopping a live creature in half is a bit much even for my strong stomach.

Anyway, it was very tasty, as was most of what we ate, a choice of largely vegetable and seafood dishes, many of which are prepared by Banzai Keith (actually he's very nice and not at all inscrutable).

Keith does however have a bad habit of placing dishes in front of you as he finishes them, which could lead to some misunderstanding; so, don't touch anything unless it is served to you from behind!

Yi describes itself as ‘Asian Cooking' and is what I understand people these days call ‘Asian Fusion'.

From what I recall through the sake haze, there was an interesting coconut milk soup with meat and prawn at the bottom, and another clear soup served in a teapot.

They've obviously had people like me there before because when they brought the fingerbowl they repeated on several occasions that it was "for the hands" "for the hands"; which was just as well as it looked very inviting.

I'll certainly be going back, if only to float a wreath upon the fish tank; maybe I'm just sentimental but I can still see that tender look in her eyes as she was carried off to the kitchen.......

Yi is in C/ Antonio Suárez 15, near the Mestalla Football Stadium. Telephone 96 3374858

LA PETXINA: Supper with Gran

The Carmen neighbourhood of Valencia has various streets which are chock-o-block with restaurants; but often it's the case that when you go off the beaten track, you can find the occasional jewel.

La Petxina stands alone in a street just behind the Botanic Garden and is the kind of place that's easy not to find. The expression "you can't miss it" was definitely not created with this place in mind.

On the other hand it's an excellent place, for the same reason, for meetings of an adulterous nature, or for those embarrassing evenings when you have arranged to meet more than one delightfully perfumed lady of the night due to a gross secretarial error.

This old town house is full of art and the kind of furniture that you used to hate in your grandmother's house, but now can't find anywhere.

Welsh dressers, sideboards, hat-stands, weirdly-shaped lamps, thick curtains and screens give the place a homely atmosphere.

And then there's the food.

The menu has 8 starters, 4 fish dishes, 5 met and 5 sweets which will set you back about 30 euros, or special menus for groups where you share a wide range of starters and then choose a meat or fish second course.

Among the delicacies are ox cheeks with wild rice, ox stuffed with foie gras and truffles, or sea bass pie with spinach and sage.

Among the sweets are chocolate sponge cake with mandarin ice cream and apple ravioli with cinnamon.

They have a large table in the rear of the restaurant, which makes it ideal for company dinners and junkets in general.

La Petxina is in C/ Dr. Sanchis Bergon 27. Telephone 96 3923314.

MIKONIWA: Little Things Please

Although the name sounds Chinese, my son assures me it means ‘little thing' in Valencian. Anyway, the restaurant is fairly little but the atmosphere and food are excellent, as is the waitress Guillermina, who immediately started to speak to us in splendid English and gave us menus in an English language version that was quite inferior to hers.

It offers, for example, ‘Meat Backfill Pepper', which turn out to be stuffed peppers, and ‘reduction of sweet wine', which is just sweet wine without any reduction that I was aware of. Also the salads don't have ‘dressing' but ‘ornament'; and in fact the presentation is fairly ornamental and visually exciting.

We opted for the tasting menu at 16 euros, for which you get four dishes and a sweet. The dishes are all interesting mixtures of meat, vegetables, fruits and even flowers, such as the ‘samosa of foie with quince, violets and fruit of passion sauce'.

For the tasting menu we had vegetables in batter, the backfill peppers with foie, the Chinese noodles with duck and vegetables and Iberian meats, humus, peas and reduction of sweet wine.

They also do cocktails, so you can ask Guillermina for ‘Sex on the beach' without blinking an eyelid and take your chances. (It's vodka, peach, orange and grenadine by the way).

There's a cheaper tasting menu for 13 euros with one less dish and a wide range of fascinating tapas such as ‘cuttlefish stew wrapped in a cauliflower leaf accompanied by almonds, cabbage and wild rice. Don't tell me that that doesn't activate your salivary glands!

There's also a carefully selected wine list with a little bit of something for everyone.

Mikoniwa is in C/ Corregeria 12, just around the corner from the Cathedral. Telephone 96 3926462.

JAMONES JUAN GARGALLO, LA BODEGA: Eat Like a Pig

These days there are all too few bars left where you can sit at your table and watch the grease from the dangling pigs' legs dripping down onto the litter-ridden floor. More's the pity say I, as the atmosphere is all but disappearing from Spanish eateries. Nowadays all you can find is good food, cleanliness, and next to excellent service.

This place is a case in point. The hams hang well back behind the bar and everything is so clean that you could eat your lunch off it. This is either a delicatessen with a restaurant or a restaurant with a deli; but I'm not sure I care whether the egg came before the tortilla, although that's not on the menu anyway.

What is on the menu is a wide range of snacks and dishes largely depending on cheese and ham, which is largely what the delicatessen sells; largely.

I went for the ‘surtido de montaditos' at 9.20€ and got six different taste orgasms on fresh bread, which kept me going for the rest of the morning and well past lunch time.

 Included were a soft cheese with a Majorcan paste that I don't usually like called ‘sobresada', anchovy with Roquefort, transparent bacon on a fistful of Serrano ham chunks, a thick pile of Serrano ham slices, thin slices of dried sirloin and (my favourite) fresh cheese and dried tomato; which sounds unappealing but is exquisite.

There are several shelves full of provocative wine bottles and an extensive wine list to choose from. They also do interesting hot dishes such as ‘elbow of pig with ham and mushrooms' or ‘bull's tail stew', which you can include in the lunch time gourmet menu at 10€, which offers two dishes from a long list plus dessert and coffee.

There are many pleasant details that could encourage you to sit here all day watching people coming in and out of the Aragon underground stop (surcharge of 0.10€ on each item if you sit outside on the terrace), one such is the ample wine glass that enables you to fully appreciate the bouquet of the wine, with enough space inside to drown a small rodent.

You can also ponder the shelves of elegant tins of all those really great Spanish products that are extracted from the parts of animals that I couldn't even name in English. Mind you, how many Spaniards would be able to find an adequate translation for ‘spotted dick', were they stupid enough to try to?

They also sell multi-coloured pasta, jars of fruit, honey and olive oil in a spray for really pretentious people like me; and if you feel guilty about gorging yourself, just gaze down the end of the restaurant where there is a large photo of contented pigs stuffing themselves on acorns under the protective branches of the giant oaks of Northern Spain. And if you still feel sorry for them just think of the film ‘Hannibal'.

This Juan Gargallo guy must be doing something right as he has two of these places in Valencia, one in La Eliana and another in Alicante.

Avenida de Aragon 23 Telephone: 963817511

LA MOMMA: "Is this Florence Agnes?"

As an impressive an entrance to a restaurant as you're likely to find, having been established in the old Palacio Sant Angel in Valencia's medieval Calle Caballeros, just off the Plaza de la Virgen.

Chandeliers, tall mirrors, rug-like curtains, lots of painted gold leaf and Louis Quinze furniture (or not); and that's just the bar.

The restaurant itself is up on the second floor, where the décor is equally impressive, with a number of small dining rooms, each with wood panelled ceilings bursting with seraphim, cherubim and (if you look closely, but without staring) quite a lot of naked men (in the Greek sense, of course).

If you can drag your attention back to the menu, you discover that it is an Italian restaurant and the waiter did actually seem to be Italian, or at least he called himself Luigi while we were there, although the cocktail waitress downstairs was Ukranian.

We were lucky to have dined early as we got one of the two window alcoves, poised precariously above the street below on what must have at one time been a balcony.

Although there is a set menu, we plumped for some antipasti; a nice tomato and buffalo cheese salad with oregano, and ‘Fritto Misso', which turned out to be a large plate of battered seafood.

That would have been enough had we not already ordered from the list of 22 pizzas, 12 pastas, 5 artisan pizzas (maybe Luigi serves them naked except for a suggestive toga, I never found out), and 10 meat or fish dishes. Enough for everybody.

Having ordered, we of course decided to wash our hands, and discovered that the bathrooms were three flights down in the basement! So, pacing is obviously the key to enjoying a meal here. Mind you, staggering up and down the stairs does give you the opportunity to admire the urns and tapestries on the way and to linger awhile contemplating the stained glass windows and ceiling paintings (a good way of meeting people as you will inevitably fall over someone's table).

When the pizzas arrived (service is a bit slow as there is no pre-heated food and Luigi has to pause on the stairs occasionally to get his breath back) they were the kind that you measure in acres; wafer thin in the centre and chunky at the edges.

They also serve one of my favourite Italian wines, the Verdicchio, a nice fruity white from central Italy.

Should you also arrive early because your son Mark is impatient to digest his meal as soon as possible to make way for a pile of popcorn and bucket of Coke at the cinema later on, you might like to try their cocktails: a Blody Mery (must be a Christmas special) or  a Killer Zombie. Happy Hour(?) is from 6 to 9, Monday to Friday.

La Momma is in C/ Caballeros 27. Telephone: 96 3917026.

LA TRAVE: Cheese and Chalk

Coming from a country where we men are used to being pushed around by the likes of Maggie, Camilla and Bridget, and where it is the lot of men to slouch around looking dishevelled, hands in pockets; it came as no surprise that when my accomplices Nuts and Bolton and Mad Matt McQuirke and I were peering into La Trave wondering why there was no menu outside, that a busty waitress should appear and order us in, which we did so rather sharpishly.

The menu does exist; it's chalked behind the shutters of the door that leads to the toilets. It looked a bit pricey until we were told that the prices were for three people, something which, although it turned out to be accurate, did make us wonder what they say to couples and foursomes.

This is the kind of restaurant where you could sit around just admiring the decoration. One of two things is true; either it used to be a chapel or the proprietors ransacked one in order to come up with all the paintings and artefacts that give the restaurant its feel of ramshackle glory. The dim lighting and the stone walls also contributed to an atmosphere that can only be described as medieval; unless, that is, you have imagination.

The waitress was happy, laughing and smiling and spoke pretty good English. The cook was Italian and had some mean things to say about the residents of Turin. There is a casual, giggling atmosphere about the place that put me in mind of one or two opium dens I have never visited.

The menu was brief; a plate of grilled vegetables, a massive house salad, carpaccio and eggplant, roast pork, ox steak. There were two or three other things on the menu but I had to turn around and order.

The ox steak was thick and bloody and turned out to be for four, judging by how much we left.

The wine list is chalked upon the wine rack next to the bar, so next time I'll take my own piece of chalk and try my luck. The wines themselves were all ones I had never heard of and must therefore cost more than 2 euros in the supermarket.

As you blend into the scenery you begin to notice a few incongruities; like the photos of aggressive looking Italian troops making ready to invade Abyssinia no doubt, or the poster of Clint Eastwood from an old spaghetti western. The accordion lying on a chair completes this attempt at ‘Italiania', although the best thing there was the other waitress, the beautiful Rumanian one. Are there no beautiful women left in Rumania?

La Trave is fairly well hidden away in the Carmen district of Valencia in C/ Juan de Juanes 2. Telephone 96 3923116.

ENTRETAPAS Y VINOS: Pass the Trough Vicar!

A restaurant with excellent toilets and so much wood on floors, tables and walls that you'd think it grew on trees. A place of sophistication where you can feel the final bill rising like bubbles surfacing, and pat your wallet confidently knowing that you have a clear run to the front door.

The star of the menu is the "entretablas" menus for two people. Priced between 12 and 15 euros per person and offering seafood, meat or a combination of the two, they are served on what I can only describe as upturned, wooden troughs, or benches, piled high with so much steaming food that even though we ordered for 4, the 7 of us could only get through half.

Just as the "entretablas" are served on benches, so the clientele sit on them. The chair backs were obviously yanked off to hammer onto the walls.

The waiter recommended that we try the "entretostas" as a starter, which are a kind of Welsh rarebit, toasted bread with a melted topping dripping over the top. These came in a variety of flavours and indeed opened the appetite, as did various bottles of the house red, which was excellent.

There were 6 varieties of ‘broken eggs' on the menu but we didn't get round to them.

Other unusual dishes included black rice and crunchy lobster or bull's tail sauce with carrot. In fact quite a lot of dishes seemed to have carrot. Somebody on the staff must have an allotment.

Another dish to catch the eye, although not the stomach on this occasion, was the ‘trampoline of peppers and melted goat's cheese'. Prancing spring goats fill the imagination!

The restaurant owner was obviously familiar with Brechtian concepts of theatre as all the air conditioning tubes were fully visible and created a decorative effect of their own, enhanced by the large aluminium lampshade hanging over each table, which allows you to bump your head every time you get up to visit the excellent toilets.

The brickwork is bare and metal frames hang from the ceiling, which would be convenient if you were dining with a team of gymnasts in urgent need of fewer calories.

Entretapas y Vinos is in C/ Salamanca 13. Telephone 96 3449424. They also have a web page at www.entretapasyvinos.com

EL GANXO: Celtic Myths

It's the people who really make a good restaurant. If you have excellent food at reasonable prices and tasteful décor then it helps, but basically if the people are good then the rest will follow.

At El Ganxo the people are great; there's delightful Diana from Patagonia serving cheerfully at the tables, lovely Lisa from Ireland who's one of the owners, and her partner mellow Miguel (actually I don't know him that well but it had to start with an ‘m'). He also speaks good English.

El Ganxo is one of the attractive little restaurants that are flourishing in Valencia's Russafa district, where young, urban entrepreneurs are turning the place into a trendy evening location with a kind of Notting Hill ethnic mix.

Although it's quite small, they have several tables on the pavement, some nice nooks and crannies inside, and out the back a little patio with vines for a ceiling and a little trickling fountain in the corner. There are also medieval torches burning around the walls and candles on the tables to create a mellow mood, or, as was our case, a joyful one on having received that night the news that one of our friends, and especially his wife, was pregnant.

The menu is fairly simple, consisting of four original salads with a wide variety of contrasting ingredients and then a series of tapas-like dishes such as sirloin in two different sauces, Spanish ‘poor potato', (a half jacket potato sprinkled with paprika), and lots of cheese and cold meat options.

There were also some typical dishes from northern Spain such as chorizo cooked in cider or ‘lacón', a kind of gammon.

The most original of all the many things we ordered, all at very reasonable prices rarely going above 5 euros a dish, was a parmesan salad, in which the parmesan was in fact frozen (believe me it tastes a hell of a lot better than it sounds).

All in all a delightful evening, although Lisa and Miguel assure me that they accept diners without pregnant friends too.

El Ganxo is in C/ Literato Azorin, 4. Telephone: 96 3285548.

EL DON JUÁN: Bared Midriffs

I've finally found a place in the centre of Valencia where I can take my wife for a mid-week birthday lunch that isn't a Kebab House but somewhere with a bit of class where you can start eating at one o'clock and finish in time to go back to school for a drowsy afternoon's teaching.

El Don Juán is a slick, modern eatery done up in delicate shades of brown, grey and pale blue, decorated (according to my wife who claims to know about these things) in a Zen minimalist style. This means that all the lower shelves are empty, allowing you to meditate on the space, although all the upper shelves are full of bottles of wine so meditation doesn't get much of a look in.

The menu is both varied and simple with the combined dishes offering the most interesting possibilities, particularly the "Arreglets", of which there are three and of which we had one each.

These are presented on a broad white platter and contain a good variety of tastily prepared tapas with fresh seafood, vegetables, olives, tuna, toast and cured ham, stuffed peppers and cod-balls (one of my wife's affectionate names for yours truly).

You can also try various rice dishes, salads, egg dishes (scrambled or ‘broken!' ouch!), meat, fish or try a multiple menu for 2 or 4 people with a bit of everything.

The combinations are original and each ingredient was rich in flavour with interesting sauces and the fresh raw materials.

The wine list is pleasantly long, the service fast and they're dressed in black with stomachs open to the elements as seems to be the trend these days, something which hasn't as yet put me off my food, although some of the less faithful among you might wish to take your wife (or wives) somewhere that is less likely to induce serious drooling.

There is a kids' menu at 5.90€, which seems quite reasonable although personally I'm not too fond of goat, and the toilets are a bright splash of yellow which can lighten up a dull moment after 26 years of marriage.

El Don Juán is in C/ Martínez Cubells 8, and there seems to be another one in Avenida Aragon 25. Telephone 96 3944530. www.eldonjuan.com

ASADOR DEL CARME: Cottage Cooking

I'd often walked past this place but had been put off by the word ‘Asador', which I normally associate with high prices and either meat or meat on the menu. I had also thought that's its location as the only restaurant in Plaza del Carme, next to the Carmen Museum would make it too popular to get a table on a Sunday lunchtime, but, as it happened, all my preconceptions were false. It is in fact quite a charming place, well run by young, friendly people.

It appears to be an old dwelling divided up into four small dining rooms and, given the choice, we chose the one looking out onto the square.

To say that the restaurant is ‘orange' sounds a bit non-descript, but it seems that somebody got carried away with the spray can and overdid it a bit, although the effect just about works as long as you wear your sunglasses. Despite that it's quite tastefully decorated with the kind of stuff that was everyday knickknacks to somebody's great-grandparents, as well as beamed ceilings and a kind of open gate leading into each section as if it used to be a prison.

There's tasting menu at 16 euros, supposedly only if you are a ‘full table'; we were only three but they just shrugged their shoulders as if that was just another inheritance from old, forgotten relatives.

There was a very tasty esgarret (roast peppers and aubergines) followed by a choice of three soups (consommé, courgette or gazpacho), a salad and then a choice of dishes, although we plumped for the mixed grill (parillada de carne) as it would be rude to go to an Asador and not eat charcoal-grilled meat, don't you agree?

The meat was served on its own little grill with the charcoal underneath embering gaily away, and included a bit of everything meat-wise.

The wine list was extensive and reasonably priced and there was a dessert menu at 3 euros not included in the price, as was not the wine.

Needless to say we forwent the dessert in order to preserve our figures and concentrate on the grape.

Apart from the special menu there is a wide choice of Iberian meats and cheeses and patés on offer and a Segovian leg of lamb, as well as a few fish dishes.

A rock and roll soundtrack also undermines the whole Asador thing, especially when it's Nirvana. Perhaps this is a transitional restaurant halfway to becoming something else.

Asador del Carme. Plaza del Carme, 6 Telephone: 96 3922448.

CA SENTO: It's on You

Before eating at Ca Sento, there are two essential pre-requisites: the first is to prepare your palate; this can be achieved with a three day course of gargling and mouth-washing using lemon juice and water. The second is to be invited by a friend, as Ca Sento is not for the commoner's pocket.

Ca Sento is quite possibly Valencia's best restaurant and so it is not surprising that the head chef Raul Alexandre won the best chef of Spain award for 2005.

The essence of the cooking here is excellent raw materials prepared with care and imagination by a kitchen team who might easily outnumber the patrons some days as there are only about ten tables at Ca Sento.

The restaurant is decorated with original paintings by well-known Valencian artist Vicente Peris and is situated in Valencia's maritime area, which is fast undergoing modernisation, although it still retains much of its atmosphere of humble families looking towards the sea for their incomes.

We were treated to a ten course meal full of the inventive flair that is so typical of the house, each served on a new plate with new cutlery.

The first was a single herring with roe, the second some kind of caviar garnished with beetroot sauce, the third tuna tartar steak with egg yolk, the fourth a single prawn in a garlic and Soya sauce, the fifth fresh cockles in freezing cold green Valencian tomato juice.

And yet, simply writing the ingredients cannot do justice to the intensity and contrast of the flavours or transmit the elegance of the service; for that you would need a restaurant review.

Barnacles were next on the list (they are in fact considered a great luxury in Spain, not to be confused with the things growing on the hull of your boat); and then my personal favourite, truffles in burnt milk (a name that loses a lot in translation).

Next came sea bass in clams and a green sauce and finally suckling pig with a lemon comfiture.

The sweet was an almond pie and a green ice cream which may have been pistachio.

There are various tasting menus of this kind to be had at Ca Sento, depending on availability and the creative urges of the cook and his team. But whatever is on the menu, you will leave with the comforting knowledge of having had a very special culinary experience at a very special place; and if you can't find anyone to treat you, just let me know and I'll give you his phone number.

Ca Sento is in Calle Méndez Núñez, 17. Telephone 96 3301775.

TXALUPA: Row, row, row the Boat

If you happen to be sailing along Avenida Aragon, you may feel in need of a boat. Fortunately for you there is now a small Basque whaling boat called Txalupa, although it is disguised as a restaurant, about half way up the avenue, where you can find excellent food at a reasonable price, and excellent friendly service without the inconvenience of having to harpoon your lunch.

The first thing to hit you when you walk in (if they're not throwing somebody out) is the colour. The Stones once invited us to ‘Paint it Black', and the owners certainly took them seriously. Walls, table, floor; even the waiters and waitress are black; apart from their claret aprons!

The table linen is also claret, and the only other colours on offer are the greens and browns of the occasional vegetation crawling up or down the walls.

If you are one of those people who wash their hands before dinner, then be prepared! The wash basin in the gents is totally transparent, which means you can watch water cascading down your trouser legs like something from a bad dream. Very disconcerting! To make up for that, on returning to the table, the waiter's first question refers to your immediate tipple, and so a kind of neurological harmony is once more achieved.

We were recommended the 15 € menu of the day, which while limited in choice, is in fact an excellent bargain.

The first course is either salad (copious and overflowing from what I saw, although I didn't try it), or an alternative that changes each day. On our day it was peppers stuffed with cod.

The second course is literally the cauldron of the day, which changes each day and was monkfish and rice when we were there. It is served in a communal, black, cast-iron cauldron, which is left on your table, and which contains far more than you need, and even more than you gluttonously desire.

There is a fairly lengthy wine list (drinks are not included in the price) covering most Spanish provinces, and they even have my favourite Basque wine Txacoli. The waiter stylishly swirls the wine around your glass before permitting you to taste it, and then retires with decorum. Another nice detail is that if you order a ‘carajillo' (coffee with brandy), they actually leave the brandy bottle temptingly on the table.

Among the other daily cauldrons (cazuelos) are prawn and garlic, grouse eggs, wild mushrooms and octopus; all served with rice in sauce.

Other interesting looking dishes included Cantabrian anchovies, blue-veined Cabrales cheese from Asturias, and a house salad including Roquefort cheese, salmon, eels, and egg.

Remember to take some kind of plastic container with you when you go, as they offer a free glass of northern firewater (orujo) at the end of the meal. While this is totally incompatible with the human stomach, it does an excellent job unblocking the drains.

Excellent value for money at a leisurely pace.

Avenida Aragon 24. Telephone: 96 3697949.

TURANGALILA: Sexual Ambiguity

Had anybody told me that I would end up that evening with a tall, black man in a long dress sitting on my lap, covering me with kisses and staring long and hard into my eyes, I would have been mildly surprised to say the least; but that's the kind of thing that can, and will happen at Turangalila.

Of course he may have been affected by the décor; the kaleidoscope lightshow and garish colours reminiscent of an East European disco in the dying years of the Soviet regime; a bit like ‘Cabaret' but without the Nazis.

Or maybe it was the waiters; all men, all with abundant body hair and tattoos who would from time to time tire of serving you and wander off downstairs to the bar, to lean and smoke with a large fat blonde man in a tight black short leather skirt.

Are you beginning to get the picture? Yes, Laury didn't sit on my lap because my lap is irresistible, but because she and the other eleven girls, who are all illustrated on the tacky red fake leather menu, are paid to do so.

While all this is going on, through the window you can see the facade of a multi-sainted church across the Plaza San Vicente Ferrer; a sober note in an otherwise robust atmosphere of 100% (as far as I could see) heterosexual groups having fun by dabbling in the ambiguous area of sexual activity.

The girls, boys.....entertainers, work hard; the restaurant is on two floors and they work two shifts almost simultaneously.

The menu costs 28€, drinks excluded, although the wine list is passable and very reasonable; one of my favourite Galician wines: Martin Codax, at a mere 13€, only four more than it costs in my supermarket.

The food is pretty good, and may be seen outside on a menu placed upon a headless mannequin made of broken glass. There's plenty of variety and lots of fruit mixed in amongst the meat and fish.

 I'm told that the dishes change regularly but, if it's still there, would recommend the cous cous seafood salad, containing most of the underwater life known to Jacques Cousteau.

I had the duck with orange sauce and cranberries and also stole a taste of my neighbour's puff pastry filled with walnut sauce, blue cheese and sultanas. For a starter I'd chosen the carpaccio of sirloin and cured ham with foie and Parmesan cheese, which I think was a mistake as it was cut so thin that I had to eat it with a paint scraper. Tasty though.

The 5 starters and four main dishes are followed by 8 desserts served among the dripping chandeliers and including such delicacies as mango mousse and various cheesecakes.

Although the food was tasty and voluminous enough, I couldn't help feeling that it was served too quickly and wonder how much pre-cooking was involved, although it may be that there were three hundred cooks, all trained to grill, working away furiously in there for all I know.

As I say, everything was tasty and elegantly served by the friendly, chatty waiters with suitably decadent finesse. Not a cigarette was left dangling unlighted from a customer's lips.

Turangalila is obviously a place where groups go to celebrate; happy birthdays are sung high and low and there were more champagne corks popping than in the officer' mess after the Battle of Waterloo.

Although open at lunchtime, Turangalila's floorshow is evenings only, which is just as well because I don't think it appropriate to stumble out into the street covered in lipstick, exchanging phone numbers with Laury and the boys in broad daylight.

C/Mar 34. Telephone: 96 3910255. Closed on Sundays.

EL RALL: For Discerning Diners

It's not often that our friend Ana manages to drag her grumpy old husband Peter to Valencia, so when she finally convinced him I knew we'd have to find somewhere special to eat.

EL Rall is special; set in a tiny square (Tunidores) in the heart of Valencia's medieval, historical centre, just a brief stroll from the Cathedral, diners can eat inside or outside where, should it get cold, special gas heaters will keep you warm.

When Peter had stopped grumbling about the cold and then later about the heat even he was forced to agree that the food was excellent.

As 50% of our foursome were vegetarians we were lucky to be able to choose some non-fauna bearing dishes and they even agreed to remove the ham from the salad dressing for the crisply grilled fresh vegetables from Valencia's agricultural heartland.

English speaking Christine talked us through the menu which included a delicious kind of crepe (coca) stuffed with goat's cheese, pumpkin and tomato. Christine is of Swiss-Peruvian descent and  together with her Valencian partner Bernardo set up El Rall (which is the name of a traditional Valencian fishing net) 4 years ago. They are keen to serve the freshest produce and use wines from her father's vineyard, vegetables from Bernardo's father's garden and even have a diving friend who catches fish for them. They also use free-range chickens.

The young staff are all friends of theirs and you can feel it in the friendly atmosphere.

The carnivores among us had extraordinarily tender tasty chicken and rabbit dishes (the rabbit completely boneless as if it had been ionised). The rice dishes looked very original although we didn't get around to them.

More discerning diners may if they wish hop across the square before, after or even during a meal to the British-run "Lounge" bar for a pint of Guinness. Peter of course did all three.

El Rall is not cheap, although the value for money is undeniable. Expect to pay about 30Euros and expect to return another day. Reservations are recommended at weekends, but the large, shady tree and parasols makes it an excellent mid-day venue during the week. 96-3922090

Plaza Tunidores (it's so small you can't miss it).

LA LOLA: Just Like Cherry Cola

The area around the Cathedral is full of good restaurants and draws the crowds like cathedrals used to do. La Lola is a restaurant that looks like a trendy bar, which is because that is what it becomes when people finish their suppers. At lunch-time however you can sample experimental cooking for a mere 15 Euros, although admittedly that doesn't include the three bottles of wine that are explicitly written into my reviewing contract.

The atmosphere is light, the music seductive, the décor minimalist with startling red and white polka dot walls. (I don't really know what ‘minimalist' means, but it makes it sound as if I know a lot more than I do).

The first thing Antonio, one of the owners who set up La Lola, asks you is what you'd like to drink, and so you know you've come to the right place. He then brought me a couple of prawns reclining in a delicious spicy sauce on a bed of grated prawn crackers, preparing my palate for what was to follow.

The staff are young and attentive and seem to cover the nationalities of various continents. The food, when it arrives; (and here there is no hurry, they actually prepare the food with care rather than heating it up on the microwave), is nouveau cuisine, attempting to stimulate your sensory organs rather than just extend your waistline.

For the first course I chose a wild mushroom salad with spicy Riojan sausage and the contrasts of flavours certainly made every mouthful a challenge.

For the second course I went for the scallop with wild rice, spinach and other unidentified green bits. Again, each ingredient complemented the others and all retained their own flavour. The rice was very well prepared, the grains so separated they seemed to have argued.

For each course there were two other dishes, all of them inventive and sounding inviting; unfortunately I was dining alone that day and couldn't poach from legitimate owners and my attempts to taste other diners' dishes were neither extraordinarily successful nor particularly welcome.

For the dessert there was no choice, nor need there have been; it was a two part assault on the senses, with a kind of brownie cake with ice cream on the one tongue and what seemed to be wild strawberries in a liquid that contained ginger and passion fruit juice on the other. Divine; even if astronomically difficult!

I was offered a free liqueur at the end, but declined, having to teach that afternoon; as it was I fell asleep in class so it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

If it hasn't staggered off to the left somewhere, La Lola can still be found at Calle Subida del Toledano in the shadow of the Miguelete Tower.

BARRACA TONI MONTOLIU, (FOYOS): The Cart before the Course

Like the great Persian Emperors before me, I do like a chariot ride before lunch. Unfortunately, due to lack of spare parts I suppose, it's difficult to find a good chariot these days, so the next best thing is probably a horse and cart ride through the Valencian "huerta" before a typical Valencian lunch.

This was Toni Montoliu's idea too, which is why his restaurant offers just that.

Surrounded by fields of tiger nuts, onions and artichokes, ‘Barraca Toni Montoliu' is an attempt to maintain and promote the traditions of the "huerta" before it completely disappears, and so the ride through an area that has been dedicated to simple but intensive agriculture since the time of the Moors is an education about crop cycles, ecology and local folk history, and includes a stop to pick mandarins from the trees (when in season).

The driver will stop to chat to just about everyone he meets and address each barking dog by name before taking you to the village of Mahuella with its 35 inhabitants and then take the horse ‘Rubio' through its paces with three speeds: trot, gallop and "the Indians are coming!"

Afterwards there is a set menu at 22 euros (15 for kids) which includes 4 typical starters, spicy eels (all i pebre), salad, paella, followed by a typical seasonal sweet (baked pumpkin in our case), fluffy pastries and the sweet liqueur ‘Mistella'; and of course, coffee.

The restaurant at present operates on weekends and holidays and only accepts bookings, so don't turn up expecting to get served. They open at any time for larger numbers and are frequently hosts to company lunches and groups of foreigners. They also encourage diners to enter the kitchen and see how the paella is being made in the traditional manner.

Toni himself, who used to work doing research on fertilisers for ICI, likes nothing more than to sit down at your table and practise his English dressed in his traditional peasant garb, and the website is also in English, although fairly primitive.

There are three dining rooms; all built by Toni himself out of wood and cane, and each containing a wide variety of traditional farming implements that almost convert the restaurant into a museum.

There are also donkey rides for the very small and lots of other animals wandering about the yard among the helpers peeling the beans. In fact, if you choose the corner seat by the window, the donkey will be tied up right outside the window so that you can make witty comments such as: "I say, what's my wife doing out there? Haw, haw, haw."

The restaurant isn't easy to find but is only a 5 minute walk from Foyos Underground station, or by car it's signposted from the roundabout next to the Foyos Mercadona on the old Barcelona road.

Telephones: 96 1493538, 629689805

Chariot races should also be booked in advance. There's a short one and a long one, the latter costing 4 euros for adults and half for kids.

CRUZ BLANCA: Abducted by Aliens

Sometimes in dreams you are in one place one moment and then elsewhere immediately afterwards. Cruz Blanca is a bit like that.

Cruz Blanca (or ‘White Cross' to give it its proper name) is a typical Andalusian tavern. But then it's also a typical Irish pub. While that may seem improbable to many, it is a fact that there are similarities between the two peoples that make the concept not so extraordinary.

Cruz Blanca is basically a series of 5 connected rooms, or areas, that become ‘The Central Abbey' Irish pub as you move through them; a little bit like a ride in a theme park.

The Andalusian tavern part is full of typical regional kitsch; stained glass ceilings, half an old carriage full of empty bottles, old sepia photos of long dead people and lots of green and white ceramics.

Moving through an arch we come to a modern bar with beer taps at each table, digital scorekeepers to check how much you've drunk and how drunk you are, and a TV screen to watch the football matches.

Next comes an Irish pub decorated like a chapel, with stone arched windows and a Friarly theme.

After that there's a lounge area with padded leather sofas and cabinets full of antiquities, where Sherlock Holmes would feel at home; and finally, the second (non-smoking) restaurant.

The walls in the Irish sections are plastered with slogans of a gay, Gaelic nature, such as: ‘Jesus must have been Irish. He was 32, lived at home and his mother thought he was God'.

We dined in the tavern section, where there is an extensive offer, including menus at 18, 21 and 25€. The 21 menu is for tapas, and apart from those three, there were two daily menus at 9 and 15€ with 7 starters, which were the same ones for both menus, and then either 4 or 6 main dishes depending on which you'd plumped for.

The choices were varied and everything we were served seemed of good quality with ample helpings. And it wasn't restricted to Andalusian dishes; there was Mousaka as a starter and ‘Hervido', a stew from Madrid.

The menu included drinks, which in our case was a bottle of Nuviana red from Huesca between the two of us, a strong bodied wine of far better quality than the usual house plonks.

There was a lot of fish on the menus, with salmon and squid on the 9€ and squid, sea bass and sea bream on the 15€.

I opted for a Fideau (noodle paella) with octopus and then a paella with ribs; both of which were unusual offers and were delicious.

My dining partner was delighted to discover that his ‘carajillo' (brandy with cognac) was not charged as extra and that we therefore didn't have to fight over the calculator when it came to paying the bill.

So, one of life's great problems (that of finding a good place to eat in between visits to Irish pubs for the daily Guinness ration has now been resolved); you can get it all in one place.

Not only that; it's situated across the road from ‘Tráfico' (the place where you re-new driving licences; so you can pop in for a large lunch and several pints while your wife keeps your place in the queue.

Excellent notion!

Cruz Blanca is situated next to the entrance to the Jesus underground station. Avenida Giorgeta 35. Telephone: 96 3417844.

GREGAL: A Touch of Wind

‘Wind' is not normally something that most people mention in a loud voice in public places, and especially in public places like restaurants, despite their dedication to sensual pleasures; and yet, the owners of this new restaurant in the Carmen neighbourhood have risked childish commentaries such as this one by naming themselves after a wind which is a favourite with windsurfers, and lovers of other risk sports liable to cause serious physical damage.

The North easterly Gregal wind is well known on the Balearic Islands where it arrives cold and dry.

When there is low pressure over Algeria, the Gregal brings heavy seas, and it was named and used by Catalan sailors in ancient days to take them to Greece.

Nowadays it is merely used to attract people to this basement restaurant with a strange layout, where you can huddle down at your table and watch people's legs walking to and fro in the upstairs cocktail bar. There is one of those stair lifts for people in wheelchairs, but which people like me, who just happen to be obese and face stairs the way most men face tigers, are not allowed to use, even when offering small quantities of the local currency.

Because it's new there's a young lady at the end of the street tempting people inside with leaflets; something that usually puts me off, as it often means it's not so popular, but in this case it was just new.

To start off you are given a pleasant free glass of Vichyssoise as you gaze through the menu and try not to be distracted by the dangerously long wine list.

As there was a Frenchman in our party for some curious reason that I still don't understand, I wasn't prepared to confess that I had no idea what Vichyssoise was, except that it probably had something to do with the French betrayal of the allies during World War II; and in fact I'm still none the wiser, although I believe that the main ingredient is foam.

Afterwards the choice is complex, although aided and abetted by the chef's recommendations, which include a watermelon gazpacho with cockles, suckling pig with apple sauce and potato puree, as well as cod covered in a ‘crust' of honey, lobster and bacon.

I asked for fish and chips with a scotch egg and pickled onion, but they weren't having any of it.

Modernity is very much on show, both with the dishes, which are sprayed onto the plates so as to resemble art, and the paintings that are abstract enough to resemble an intriguing stew if your imagination consists largely of leaps.

The glasses are also very modern and curve in a rather worrying way on one side like something painted by Dalí, and the cutlery could quite possibly be a job lot from an old Star Wars movie with a cameo role for Yuri Geller.

Eventually I plumped for the steak with gnocchi and cheesed potatoes, as you can't normally go wrong with a steak, and it was indeed scrumptious.

Two of our party who had the duck with sweet and sour sauce, figs and vegetables had mixed opinions, but peace was restored as it always is by ordering a further bottle of wine.

The desserts sounded inviting but would have been wasted on my waist and so I will have to dream about what the caramel spread (manjar blanco) in passion fruit juice tasted like.

If they ever get some ropes and a pulley for hauling bloated people out afterwards, I shall certainly go back.

C/ Los Borja 3. Telephone: 96 3925899

LA LLUNA DE VALENCIA (ALMASSERA): Seduction and a Grand Piano

La Lluna de Valencia is one of those restaurants that everybody you know has been to and praised so much that it seems pretty pointless going; and so you put aside going until a special occasion arises, a wife's birthday in this case, and then regret not having gone sooner.

Set in the middle of the Valencian ‘huerta', surrounded by fields of tiger nuts from which they later make horchata, it's an old 16^th century farmhouse, gutted and decorated like a stately home, and sporting a 22 ton millennial olive tree in its front garden.

Tapestries and oil paintings adorn the walls and statues stare back from each corner just to check that you have noticed and appreciated the elegant table linen, cutlery and crockery. A massive chandelier dangles threateningly over the darlings gurgling seductively into their cell phones, while their ignored women or wives or none of my damned business anyway, tap their fingers sulkily.

The seats are delightfully curved at the back, much like a human back and expensively upholstered and guaranteed not to leave red welts on your botty when you leave.

A kiln-like chimney occupies the centre of the room, which fortunately wasn't lit as I was sitting in front of it, and it reaches up to a smaller dining room upstairs which looks a bit like a large minstrel gallery but which was probably once a hay loft.

A grand piano occupies a sizeable space on the way to the toilets. There was no one playing it unfortunately, but there was a soundtrack, which I imagine was a kind of flowing, syrupy New Age music that is supposed to create atmosphere without imposing. We did after all come here to eat.

Apart from the extensive menu, there were two set menus at 29€ plus VAT plus drinks, which are apparently changed fairly often and are for two people minimum. So, just as well I'd remembered to bring the wife to our anniversary celebration.

We went for the ‘La Lluna' menu, as a menu, like a salad that bears the restaurant's name will normally turn out to be one of their best shots; but also because it had no meat, which pleased my lettuce-chewing little bunny girl.

First came a salad with spiky, purple lettuce, octopus slices and tomato with a dressing made from crushed black olives, to be followed (after a mammoth changing of the crock and cut) by a delicious aubergine pudding with carrot and pumpkin sauces.

Finally there was a ‘meloso' seafood rice dish, more like an Italian risotto than the usually fried dry paella.

The wine list was extensive and the prices quite reasonable; a Martin Codax for example cost less than double its supermarket price at 15€, while the Bahia de Denia fruity white that I chose was a mere 11€.

One minor criticism I would make is that the ice bucket was placed out of my reach, and though the service was attentive, there were one or two quite painful expanses of endless time lasting at least seven seconds when my glass was abandoned to a state of sheer emptiness.

The dessert was one of those flaky, almond-based tarts that Valencians make so well and all of whose Grandmothers have the only genuine recipe.

La Lluna de Valencia isn't easy to find, but if you drive out of Almassera past the Huerta Museum, you'll find it just before a road junction next to another, equally interesting restaurant called Les Tendes.

Nearest underground stations are Almássera (unsurprisingly) and Alboraya.

Camí de Mar 56, Almassera. 

NIOXXER: Out of Africa

A few years ago there were very few French restaurants in Valencia, and there was a certain rivalry, even hostility about whether Spanish cooking and wines weren't as good if not better than the French. There was also the bad habit every summer of French farmers burning Spanish lorries as they poured across the border with competitive, unsubsidised farm produce to the chagrin of French farmers and arsonists everywhere.

And of course, it wasn't so long ago that the French army poured over the Pyrenees, when Napoleon decided to settle his brother on the Spanish throne, forcing the bored British army to have to once more come over here and give them a good thrashing.

Anyway, my point was, and is, that there are now a surprisingly large number of good French eateries at competitive prices, and one such restaurant is Nioxxer, a name which isn't French at all but an African word connected with love, and is the result of owner Yve's obsession with Africa, a place he visits regularly, and from which he brings back some quite startling wooden sculptures and figures that set the ambience for this small but unusual restaurant.

I personally had to spend the meal staring at a pair of aggressively pointed wooden breasts and an equally large, extended, pointed navel. As you get halfway through the wine this starts to become quite arousing, although at first I have to confess to having been quite intimidated.

We got off to a bad start when the waiter assured me that the wine list consisted of whole bottles, as if I looked like the kind of person who would be intimidated by a whole bottle! Had it had wooden breasts, perhaps; but that's another scenario altogether.

They do a cheap midday menu at about 9€, but as you've probably got lots of dosh, I thought you deserved to be taken, even if only in a surrogate fashion, à la carte.

There were some interesting dishes available, such as scrambled eggs with mango and parsley, brie fried in raspberry comfiture, foie gras in port and chalota (member of the garlic family from Asia) sauce, prawns wrapped in bacon with mango and pineapple sauce, prawn tails in ginger with rice and coconut milk, tagliatelle with gorgonzola and bacon; and not a truck driver in sight!

I chose (it was a French restaurant after all) the Nordic salad, which had all 57 varieties of lettuce, smoked salmon, avocadoes and cherry tomatoes, and followed that up with a chicken in Tandoori sauce (it was an African influenced French restaurant after all).

This is an excellent place to bring a girlfriend as there are lots of exciting masks and wild animals, which I always find gets girlfriends in the right mood. There was even an alligator climbing up one wall on its way to devour an oryx.

The restaurant, which is very small, also has a small bar; so you can sit and mull over a beer while waiting for the midday glut of junior executives trying to impress secretaries with all that wild animal nonsense, to finish.

There was another surprise in store in the toilets (always a source of at least 50% of the contents of my restaurant reviews) where I found (or perhaps it found me) a wooden (I hope) puma's head snarling down at me from its perch above the urinal, which is almost as intimidating and as likely to shrivel you up almost as much as suddenly finding Margaret Thatcher standing next to you shaking the drips. C/ Ciscar, 52. Telephone: 664702391.

  Normally when I perambulate around Valencia looking for original places to eat (which involves great personal sacrifice for the benefit of my readers) I don't often consider hotel restaurants. I suppose it's because I always feel a bit self-conscious about wandering into reception without luggage; a bit like Dustin Hoffman in ‘The Graduate', although, sadly to say, without Mrs. Robinson).

The Hotel Zenit is next to the railway station, and this day I was due to meet an English football team staying there, who were over here for a long weekend and so I thought I'd give it a try, especially as the menu outside looked attractive, offering 24 dishes for 14.90€ plus VAT, without drinks.

Half of the dishes carried a supplement, but that still leaves 4 starters, 4 main course and 4 desserts to choose from at the original price, and the opportunity to eat in excellent, elegant surroundings and to get hotel treatment from very attentive waitresses.

There was a lot of English being spoken in the nearby reception as guests came and went and the menu is also available in English if you ask for it. There is also a good wine list starting at 12 euros, although somewhat limited with only 11 choices. Mind you, as I rarely get past the fourth bottle when dining alone that is not necessarily as big a problem as getting home afterwards.

The décor is very modern with all the furniture in dark brown and everything else in white apart from 2 long twisted polished tree trunks and a lonely platter containing two large silver spheres, which could lead to all kinds of speculation. Huge lampshades like kettle drums hang in the centre glaring quite strongly while the perimeter has a darker light for those engaged in scurrilous dealings of a business or romantic nature.

A small biscuit covered in tuna roe and parsley sauce is brought as you contemplate the menu, from which I finally opted for a salad containing all known types of leaf and some splendidly tender sirloin with cherry tomatoes. For the second course I chose a marinated red tuna sirloin, cooked quite rare and accompanied by wild rice.

You can also eat à la carte, and among the interesting options are carrot soup with coriander and dried tomatoes, suckling pig, ‘fideua' (the noodle version of paella) with sirloin (somebody must have bought in bulk!) plus spring onion and wild mushrooms or squid stuffed with apricots, foie and spicy eels. They also do a variety of paellas for two people upwards.

The toilets are carefully hidden through reception and downstairs behind a screen where the telephone is supposed to be according to the sign. Once inside, after hunting for the light switch, which is one of those that detect you and switch themselves on, thus making an excellent potential terrorist bomb, you can indulge in the curious sensation of resting your pure white tablet of soap on a bed of shiny black pebbles. I know it isn't much, but then I don't need much!

Another detail I like is that they don't take away the other superfluous settings of cutlery and crockery when you sit down, which always makes me feel a bit like a leper.

The dessert was an orgy of self-indulgence consisting of melon flavoured ice cream with two types of brownie, walnuts and a thick chocolate sauce. Life needn't always be continuous suffering.

Hotel Zenit is in Calle Bailen 8. Telephone: 96 3529000